"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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