there was a trapeze. enough said
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
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And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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