There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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