Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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