I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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