eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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