i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
