I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
