it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
