Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate