She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/