I'm gonna have a badass scar
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
