I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.