i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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