i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.