omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.