Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
