I think I am morally bankrupt
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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