i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
