I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
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We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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