Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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