I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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