im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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