Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
