He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
