i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
