Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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