he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
