tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
