I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
