Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We are all done wearing pants today
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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