Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
