The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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