apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
nutella sex= disaster
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
