We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
