am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
