So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
