my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
