Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
