Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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