yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
