i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
