I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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