Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
