i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
