We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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