Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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