peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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