remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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