If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
