not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was like giving head to a cactus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
not ubering you a puppy
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
