the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
