I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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