i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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