I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
