You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
