I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
