I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
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we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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