I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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