dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
