wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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