I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
