last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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