Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
