I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
