The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
