I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
