He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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